GED Practice Essay: Revising the Third Paragraph

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I’m revising my GED essay. Going through the same questions with each paragraph gives me practice using the questions to revise… and these are the questions GED readers use to grade the GED essay test. That’s what you want to do… make your GED essay fit what the GED readers look for.

Here’s the third paragraph of my GED practice essay:

Because I couldn’t be happy about their getting married, my son wouldn’t talk to me. He said he would talk to me, if I accepted him getting married. But I got stubborn. I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was. But we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged too and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

And here are the questions, asking about things the GED reader looks for:

1. Did I answer the GED question and stay on topic?

Remember, the best way to keep focused on the GED test question in your essay is to spend time organizing the GED essay before you write… so I’m doing good on this, I think. In this paragraph, I tell the rest of the story, and what the result is. That’s still focused… they need to know that to understand my conclusion, what I learned.

2. Is my writing organized?

See, I think that this goes with the other answer. If you spend time organizing your writing before you start the GED essay, then you’re going to stay on topic and have organization. Also, it helps to tell a story. That’s what I’m doing in the second and third paragraph. I start out by introducing everything and saying how my story relates to the GED essay question. Then, I spend a couple of paragraphs telling the story…what happened. Then, in the end, I tell what I learned, and relate it back to the GED question. That’s organization, and that’s what they look for!

3. Did I give enough good details?

Details are important on the GED, too, and you can think about details to include when you’re doing your organizing, also. Let’s see… where are the details in my paragraph? You can try underlining them when you’re looking at your essay when you take the GED.

Because I couldn’t be happy about their getting married, my son wouldn’t talk to me. He said he would talk to me, if I accepted him getting married. But I got stubborn. I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was. But we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged too and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

So, what’s a detail and what’s not? That’s kinda a judgment call. Thinks like “I spent some time getting to know the girl” isn’t very specific. What did we do together? It doesn’t say. But “I was able to go to their wedding” is a detail, because it says what I did. I think I did pretty good, putting in a lot of details, but you can always put in more… maybe I can add some…

Because I couldn’t be happy about their getting married, my son wouldn’t talk to me. He said he would talk to me, if I accepted him getting married. But I got stubborn. I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was. But we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged too by having dinner with her and taking her shopping and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

Does that tell the story better, with more details?

4. Are there language mistakes, like spelling and grammar?

Okay, on the GED, they want you to spell right and have good grammar. So I’ve got to look at my writing to see how I did. “Because I couldn’t be happy about their getting married” sounds a little awkward. Can I say it simpler? How about just saying “Because of my bad attitude”? I mean, I said what my attitude was already in the last paragraph.

Because I couldn’t be happy about their getting married, Because of my bad attitude, my son wouldn’t talk to me. He said he would talk to me, if I accepted him getting married. But I got stubborn. I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was. But we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged too by having dinner with her and taking her shopping and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

Now, what about the next sentence? That’s a little repetitive. I already says “My son wouldn’t talk to me.” Saying “He said he would talk to me” is almost the same words repeated. Can I say something different? Like, “my son wouldn’t talk to me unless I accepted him getting married.” Sometimes shorter is better!

Because of my bad attitude, my son wouldn’t talk to me. He said he would talk to me, if unless I accepted him getting married. But I got stubborn. I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was. But we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged too by having dinner with her and taking her shopping and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

I kinda have a lot of short sentences that maybe I should combine… and I start some of them with”but.” That’s not very formal…I guess I can fix that some…

Because of my bad attitude, my son wouldn’t talk to meunless I accepted him getting married. But I got stubborn because. I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was, but. But we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged too by having dinner with her and taking her shopping and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

I see I used the wrong “to”… “too” means also or a lot. If you say “got engaged to” it should be t-o.

Because of my bad attitude, my son wouldn’t talk to me unless I accepted him getting married. I got stubborn because I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was, but we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged too by having dinner with her and taking her shopping and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

Also, I need a comma before the word “and” (after “shopping”) because it joins two sentences.

Because of my bad attitude, my son wouldn’t talk to me unless I accepted him getting married. I got stubborn because I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was, but we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged to by having dinner with her and taking her shopping, and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

Whew! That seems like a lot, but I guess that’s it for spelling and grammar…

5. Did I choose the best words to say what I mean?

I’m going to force myself to find at least two better words again. That worked pretty good for me in the last paragraph. What about “bad”? That’s a pretty common word… and not very specific. What exactly was bad about my attitude. I guess I was only seeing my own point of view… I’d call that narrow-minded.

Because of my bad narrow-minded attitude, my son wouldn’t talk to me unless I accepted him getting married. I got stubborn because I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was, but we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged to by having dinner with her and taking her shopping, and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

Then, there’s the word “got.” There’s almost always a better word for “got.” What about “became”? Or even better, “grew more stubborn”. That shows how I was changing.

Because of my narrow-minded attitude, my son wouldn’t talk to me unless I accepted him getting married. I got grew more stubborn because I thought he was making a big mistake. Finally, though, his wedding date came up. I was sad that I might miss his wedding, and I called him. It was hard for him to trust me, after how angry and stubborn I was, but we both wanted to get along. I spent some time getting to know the girl he was engaged to by having dinner with her and taking her shopping, and I figured out that I liked her. I was able to go to their wedding, and now, I love my extended family.

I bet I could find some even better words. How about changing “big” or “sad” to something else? Do you have suggestions? Anyway, good luck with the GED studying! Next time I’ll finish my revisions to the GED essay, and you can see how it looks when it’s finished.

To find out more about the GED test and GED test preparation, visit The GED Academy at passGED.com.

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