Hi everyone! I hope that your GED essays are going well… I’ve got another sample student essay for you, and I think this one is a pretty good example. I think the writer really tied the question to his own experience and did a good job telling the story, and that’s something that’s real important on the GED.
The one thing that I think this needs is a stronger conclusion. What general thing… philosophical idea… big thought… can you tie it to? What does it tell you about the world in general? What did you learn about human nature or the world from this experience? If you had something to add at the end that said… “I learned how dependent people’s safety and feelings are on the world around us, and so I realized that helping make a better environment is really helping people.” Or something like that. That’s just an example. But if there’s something like that at the end, it would really tie the whole thing together.
The essay still has a few grammar problems, but they’re not too big a deal. I mean, there aren’t too many, and they don’t interfere with me understanding the essay, and that’s the most important thing. The organization is there, and the story is there. I’ve marked in ALL CAPS some grammar things to be aware of in the essay below.
See if you can make improve this essay… and try to write one of your own on the same topic!
Topic: How does the climate in your region affect you and the other people who live there?
Dry temperatures and no rain affected people and I around central Florida. As of result no rain, [MISSING SUBJECT…YOU COULD ADD ‘THE WEATHER’ HERE, OR CHANGE THE SENTENCE TO SAY ‘A LACK OF RAIN BROUGHT…’] brought forest fires and dry air. this [NEEDS CAPITAL T IN ‘THIS’] situation occurred during pollen season. Two months ago, in reference to dry temperatures, a forest fires occurred and I got depressed, agitated, and worried. This forest fire occurred only (forty-minutes distant drive) [‘A FORTY-FIVE MINUTE DRIVE’] from where I live.According to the weather forecast the fire was spreading very rapidly because [OF] lack of rain and dry temperatures. [THE] Weather forecast also informed [US] that there would not be any rain for the rest of the week.
During this incident which was during pollen season and dry air brought breathing complications. [YOU CAN DELETE ‘DURING’ AND ‘WHICH’…’THIS INCIDENT WAS DURING POLLEN SEASON…’] We had all these complications from the dry weather
If I were to go and make an er ran [ERRAND] people were either depressed or angry. A lot of confusion and caos [CHAOS] resulted because no one knew who or what provoked these forest fires.
I feared for myself and neighbors while this was going on. This dry weather lasted for a month, until it finally rain. [RAINED]
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